Well it's been 41 days since you last saw your daughter. Today her and I took a shower together for the first time. She's always so curious when she watches me in the shower. She holds the shower curtain back and watches and I see her trying to climb in. So today, I took her diaper off and got in and encouraged her to get in with me...sure enough she came right in. She was laughing and cracking herself up, she had such a fun time. It was so much easier washing her and a lot less messy! She loves to color, she forces you to color with her. And by forces you I mean tries to push you out of the couch on to the floor opens your hand for you and puts a crayon in your hands. Oh yeah also, if you color with the wrong crayon she'll rip it out of your hand and give you a new one. She loves to dunk her french fries in ketchup...she just sucks the ketchup right off. Remember when we gave her ketchup and she was grossed out by it and we said "just like brodie" well now she loves ketchup. Her appetitite is different then it was before, she isn't eating as much and she's OBSESSED with drinking milk. So much that that temporary milk intohlerance thing came back so I had to switch her to soy milk. I give her half regular milk and the other soy. I'll discuss it with her pedi at her two year appointment and see if he wants me to switch for good. The more milk she takes in the looser her stools get, and I am not a fan of that. We didn't do much today, I'm still not feeling well so we just stayed home. She said "cereal" today for the first time, it's so cute the way she says it, I wish you could hear it. I wish those things mattered to you, I wish that her and I were the most important things in your life. I'm getting used to the fact that we're not.
I started thinking today about how betrayed I felt by you and your family. How I could walk around that house with two black eyes (and other injuries) and no one do anything, it tortures me to know that I meant that little to you but also to them. It tortures me to know that the disregard me as a human in that way and then expect me to let them see their granddaughter. It hurts me, I want to walk out of their lives for good. They are in serious denial. I pushed for you to go to a mental facility, they pushed for you to go to rehab. Even the social worker and legal advocate from the shelter tried speaking to them and suggested they learn more about the "cycle of violence" and that drugs and alcohol are only the lighter fluid, that violence is the true fire. Until they get a grip on that they are forever going to think that if you "get clean" your life will be a polo shirt and a golf club. It's not EVER going to be that way, yes you have a problem with drugs and alcohol, but that anger that violence that "anti social" person inside you will FOREVER rage on. Your mom one night wrote me an email about how positive she felt about you having an "aha" moment in jail...and to myself I thought "the criminal mind does NOT have aha moments"...what the fuck is an aha moment to someone that crosses boundries and attacks his own wife right infront of his child???? She is in serious denial of what you are and It is NOT up to me to let her know, cause they think if you stop drinking and drugging you'll be fine...NOT TRUE...I was choked one night by a man who was not on drugs or alcohol.
A friend of mine asked me today if I think you're thinking of me and Leah. I told that person, that someone like you doesn't think of what other people are doing, they only think of how they're going to get through the day. I'd love to hate you and despise you for being who you are, but I can't. You are the man you are, however that man can never be a part of our lives. We will forever be connected by our daughter but that's the only connection.
I will continue to keep a diary of our daughters life for you, incase one day you come looking for us, but I will also fight every day to keep you from us. The ball is one day going to be in your court, till then I'll make sure she has the best life she could ever dream of. The day will come when she'll ask about you and I'll tell her the truth, good and bad.
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