What you've missed day 42. Took her for a walk today on a nature trail...can you believe that she walked .5 miles all by herself? I can't believe it, she has so much energy. She said 'pillow' today and when she said it she put her finger up to her lips and said "shhh" it reminded me of all the times we'd crawl into bed when you were asleep and she'd look over at you and go "shhhh" and i'd say "that's right daddy's sleeping".
It breaks my heart that she'll never know you. It breaks my heart that you had such disregard for our well being that you'd risk it all to push us away. I realize now that all you were doing was pushing us away, but to have to go that route is pretty pathetic if you don't mind me saying. You could have been a man and said you couldn't handle it, but you don't know how to do that all you know is to push everyone away that you think is getting in the way of the life you want for yourself. We were never trying to get in the way we were just trying to be your life, we just wanted a family. I hope you find what you're looking for cause as long as I have her I'll always have what I'm looking for.
Do you remember how her face would light up a room and everywhere we went someone would stop us to tell us how beautiful she was? How she'd make a perfect stranger smiles and laugh? Do you remember what her smile looked like? What she smelled like? How her laughter sounded? Do you cry every night like I do? Do you even miss us? Do you wish you did things differently? I can't help but feel this void and it hurts, it hurts so bad because you let us down. You let me down in the worst way ever, and now I can openly say this. You never loved me, I don't know what I was to you and I'll never know. You've caused me so much pain in my life, the agony, the terror, the anger I still remember what it all feels like. If I close my eyes I can imagine what your fist felt like when it hit my head, I see this image of you every time I close my eyes, it's you gritting your teeth with your shark eyes and lunging towards me...I fucking hate it, I hate that, that is the image I picture when I close my eyes. I wish I could remember you in one of those moments we shared that were tender, I wish I could remember what feeling secure in your arms felt like. I wish I could remember what it felt like to kiss you for the first time, I wish I had a happy memory. I wish there was one, but you and I were aren't those people. We're not the ones that look back on our lives and smile over a glass of wine and a steak dinner...we're lost souls for ever to wonder this earth in pain.
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