So it's Friday night at 9:24. Just another night just another day, but one more that you were not here for. Today our daughter is 22 months and 21 days and it's been 1 month and 10 days since we both last saw you. I've had a rough day today, thinking about you...mostly missing you. I don't know how it's possible to miss someone who beat and terrorized me as much as you did. I can clearly remember you stabbing me in the head with a fork, yet I'm in the kitchen making taco's for us and I'm sobbing over the tortillas because I remember the time when we used to cook together. The weekend I left I begged you to give me a glimpse of that and cook a meal with me,but your cousin came over and you'd rather be snorting adderall up your nose and drinking wine and intelletualizing then giving me what I actually needed. It was never about me or our daughter, was it? I get so angry at you, I get so mad. We could have had it all, we could have had everything, but everything was something you never wanted. Everything meant responsbility, everything meant loving something, everything meant losing someone, everything meant someone else existed for you to worry about besides yourself, and everything well everything just wasn't in your cards was it? I don't blame you for not wanting it, I just blame you for the way you handled things.
I always told myself "if he ever hurts the baby, i'll leave"...I remember you were standing on the staircase and you socked me right in the eye with your hand wrapped around the cordless phone and I looked down at my daughter, standing right next to me and I said "he IS hurting her". That's why I did what I did, that's why I had to do it. Her life meant more to me at that moment then mine, then yours then anyone. To subject her to that kind of violence, that kind of life...I was no longer comfortable. I could no longer allow you to hurt us the way you did. I cared about her, someone put her first and it was me. My intentions were for us to never end up this way, I have learned a lot since leaving you...I learned alot in the shelter and now alot in therapy. The thing is, you aren't so unique you are just like all other abusers, there is nothing special about you, nothing new that the people I surrounded myself with never heard about. Mostly, you fit every single text book definition of what an abuser is...and guess what I fit? Every single text book definition of someone who SURVIVED.
You've missed a month and ten days of your daughters life. And in that month in 10 days, she's become a little toddler and you've missed it. She helps mommy out so much, she brings in groceries, wipes up her spills, picks up all her toys. She is an absolute angel, and absolute picture of perfection and I could not ask to be blessed with a more wonderful little girl. Each day she says more and more words. She is obssesed with coloring and blocks. She still loves Yo Gabba Gabba, nothings changed there. She walks around the house with her baby doll in the stroller, pushing her around every room with her purse and my car keys. It's the cutest thing ever. She was playing with this book that my brother got her, it teaches her numbers, she was pressing the numbers and saying the numbers. It was so funny, she would hit the eight button over and over again just cause eight was so easy for her to say. I'm starting to use flash cards to teach her shapes and colors. We've both been sick, but you know her she's a little trooper...me on the other hand I could use some rest.
I found out that Jenji Kohan also used to write for Sex and the City, that's something I would have shared with you if you were here...so I feel like I'm sharing it with you. I will forever love you for giving me my daughter, and that's the only love I can offer you at the moment.
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